Drained

Spiritually, and emotionally I've been feeling quite drained lately, and I hate it.

I was listening to K-love the other morning after picking Paige up, and the host was talking about how we often go to the phone before we go to the throne. And that's really been on my heart. When something happens, I tend to go straight to my phone to text one of my friends to pray, but I don't stop and take the time to pray myself first.

A handful of friends are dealing with some really tough stuff. Things that I have been storming the gates of heaven with in prayer. But its so much easier some days to say "hey- can you pray for ----?" instead of praying myself, and really pouring my heart out to God. I keep looking for some resolution in these things- and nothing has come yet. I know God is doing something, He never leaves us hanging. Its just hard when its so many different situations, and so many friends who are hurting.

I need to find a book that will help me refocus on God. Something that will give me the strength I feel like I'm missing right now.

Any suggestions?

Change

I've never dealt with change well, which, in retrospect is kind of crazy. After my parents divorce we moved AT LEAST once a year, I've moved 18 times in 19 years. and lived in two of the places I lived for 2 yrs each, so..we moved a lot..lol) Through all that moving, I only changed schools 4 times, I was lucky not to have to change schools as many times as I did homes. I knew with getting married, and with us buying a house just over a month after that, I was going to be more emotional than normal. Which, I definitely have been.

I wasn't really prepared for the kind of changes that I would go through. I never expected that my friendships would change. I was determined that getting married wasn't going to change my friendships. I would NOT be one of those couples who got married, and then never see their friends again. Jim and I are the same people we were May 22, our need for time out with our friends has not changed. My girls mean the world to me, now all of it is upside down and I don't know why. I love my husband, so much. I'm growing in my relationship with God more than I ever have before. But sometimes I let it sneak up on me and ruin my mood. Jim's been so wonderful and supportive listening to me cry, and yell and complain. For a few weeks, I was complaining to a friend, about how much I hate being married. How much I wish I could go back a year and not have put all the time into planning, into everything. Just because I couldn't handle how my friendships had changed too. I expected a lot of changes between the two of us. But I was completely blindsided by the change in my friendships.

Did I mention I really, really hate change?

I've been writing this post for about a week. I'm still not sure if I want to post it, and put this out there. But, I'm even more sure that I don't want to hold this in anymore. I don't want to be sad that I'm not getting texts or phone calls like I used to. I don't want to be sad that the IM's are fewer and further between. I just want to love my life with my husband, knowing my friends are there whenever I need them. And hopefully with them knowing that I'm there for them whenever they need me!

I'm not sure where things will go from here, or how life will change in the near future. But I know that no matter what happens, I've got God on my side, my husband, and some really incredible friends. And no matter what changes happen, I can handle them.