Forgiveness

This past Sunday our pastor preached on forgiveness. Little did I know how much I needed that sermon that morning. As Chris preached on Joseph forgiving his brothers after they had sold him into slavery, I began to wonder If I had REALLY forgiven those who had hurt me. Of course, the first person who came to my mind was my mother. I kept thinking about it through the service, and through the rest of the morning. Had I really come to a place where I had forgiven her for everything she had done? Am I really strong enough to forgive her? Was God trying to tell me I hadn't forgiven her and I needed to work harder? I spent a lot of time mulling over what he had said while I was getting ready for Adam and Sara (my brother and sister in law to be)'s bridal shower.

As I walked up to the door, my grandma came up to me and told me my mother had helped her carry her gift in. My mother?! WHAT!?! I hadn't seen her in over a year, and I told her nearly 2 years ago I couldn't do this with her anymore, that I couldn't be sucked into her life, and feel this way about myself anymore. That she couldn't keep using me, and putting me into a place I didn't want to be anymore. I started shaking, and immediately sent out texts to a few friends. I didn't know if I could face her, part of me wanted to run away, the little girl in me wanted to run and give my mommy a hug. But, most of me just wanted to hide. It was only 2 weeks since my wedding, and my mother wasn't invited. Any mother would be angry and hurt that her child didn't invite her to her wedding. What was she going to say to me?

Well, turned out not to be that bad. My mother gave me a card, and told me that she would buy us whatever we need for the house. It was a decent conversation, but a little awkward. My grandma just sat there, she didn't know what to do. And honestly, neither did I. I walked away feeling pretty conflicted. It went better than I thought it would when I walked into the room. And I realized that even though the pain was still there, and even though it all still hurt, I had forgiven her. I haven't forgotten, and I probably never will. But, the pain was still there. It was still strong. I cannot imagine if I was in her shoes, seeing my daughter 2 weeks after her wedding, after not being invited to the wedding. I'm sure my mother was hurt, angry, and sad. But I don't regret my decision not to invite her. I do regret making her hurt, but I had to do what was best for me, and for Jim.

After the bridal shower on Sunday, I went straight to Jim's parents house to go to a wake. Walking into another situation that I didn't know what the outcome was going to be. It was a lot worse than I expected. I knew his parents were not happy about some things (stupid things if you ask me, but what do I know?!) but I never expected the all out complete rudeness I got. It was really hurtful, and unexpected. I thought it would at least be civil. I decided that even though my heart was breaking and I was fighting back tears, that I would smile, and I would kill them with kindness. Jim's and my relationship with God may be the only real Godly relationship they ever see, and I know that God will comfort me when I need it. No matter how hard it may be some days, I will do my best to be kind and compassionate as Jesus was to his enemies, and like Joseph was to his brothers.