Infertility

For some reason this didn't post like it was supposed to- So i'm posting it now- a little late

As you all know from my previous post- We have been dealing with infertility for approximately 18 months. We found out we we pregnant in early April, and we were due Dec 21, 2011, but we lost our angel on May 3rd, 2011.

Infertility is a journey I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. It is physically and emotionally taxing, and so many people don't understand the path you are on. They say things like "It'll happen when its meant to," "My friend dealt with that and she now has 2 teenage boys," or my favorite "If you only relax it'll happen."

We KNOW it'll happen when its meant to but after , I'm REALLY sorry your friend went through infertility. But, if you can teach me how to relax with 3-4 doctors appointments per month, 3+ blood tests, 1-3 ultrasounds, medications you take on certain days, OPT tests every afternoon, BMT charts in the morning, diet changes...etc. Infertility is a medical condition, just relaxing won't help anyone get pregnant who has been trying for over a year. We are facing ovulatory infertility. A problem only on my end. My body doesn't do what it is supposed to.

I've read several christian books on infertility and miscarriage in the last few months. They are all immensely helpful.

This one, however was the book that helped me work through my emotions the best. Jim and I got it from the library.

http://www.christianbook.com/what-lost-christian-journey-through-miscarriage/elise-barrett/9780664235208/pd/235208

What was lost- by Elise Barrett. Elise and her husband had three miscarriages. All three about the same gestation as mine. She knew the pain first hand, and chose to write a book about it that both honored and glorified God through her pain. I am so heartbroken that others know this pain so well, but so thankful that they have written about it, and chosen to reach out to others through their pain.

I learned a lot through that book, and was able to sort through a lot of the things I've been feeling. The thing that definitely affected me most, was when she said that emotionally, the loss you feel is the same weather at 5 weeks or 40 weeks. Jim and I were almost 8 weeks along when we found out our baby had died before she ever lived..at least on earth. Before reading that, I felt so lost. I thought often that I was "only" 8 weeks along, so it shouldn't hurt so much. But it did hurt, Every breath was a reminder that the baby inside me was no longer alive. Every pregnancy craving I had suddenly felt extraordinarily unfair. Why was I still craving food that I craved when my baby was alive? And then when the cravings stopped, they were another reminder of our loss. And of course, there were the physical reminders of our loss. Everything reminds me of my baby. The cloths we bought together, the What to Expect When You're Expecting on my nightstand, The Expectant Father on Jim's, the willow tree figure he bought me, the ultrasound picture in its frame on my dresser. All things that are a constant reminder of our baby, but neither of us can bear to put it away.

Right now the pain is feels so raw I could reach out and touch it. But its a pain I wouldn't give up for anything. I will never forget our baby girl. Our first child. Our first angel.