Emotions

Just about 4 years ago. I was in a really bad place, emotionally. (I won't get into details of what was happening in my life at that time. But those of you who know me, know. And if you don't, ask me personally. I don't want it posted for personal reasons) Instead of dealing with everything and drawing closer to God I pushed him away. I told him I hated him, that I couldn't believe he was doing this to me. Such strong words, that I regret to the deepest core of my being. Words that I will never repeat, but I have so much comfort knowing that God was still there during those times, that there is nothing I could do or say to make him love me any more or less than he does.

After everything happened, and I had walked away from God, I built a nice big stone wall around my heart. And vowed to never let anyone break that wall down. I wasn't going to ever hurt again like I did then. Then, everything came crashing down around me after breaking up with Craig. I needed somewhere to turn, but I had few friends, and no one to lean on. I dove into some not so great friendships, and built some really great ones too. I slowly began to feel again. To be happy sometimes. I stopped wearing all black clothes. I started smiling again. Even though I wasn't in that great of a place.

Then, I met Jim. My life changed that night. I quit smoking, and started dating him a week later. Ever since then its been almost all good things in my life. He's helped me get back to school. He's supported me through family issues. Jim's been an incredible source of strength for me.

But, still, I needed something more. Something was missing. Thanks to Amanda's encouragement, I found God again. It took me a long time to get myself to a point where I could apologize to him, and step back into the light of God, knowing all the mistakes and bad things I had done over the last four years were exposed.

Now, Jim and I have found an incredible Church home. I know I have a long way to go before I'm the Christian I want to be, the person God deserves. Jim and I are learning a lot, growing a lot, and craving more. Its such an incredible feeling.

But, I still find myself struggling with emotions. I have a much easier time expressing anger and frustration than I do joy and acceptance. I find myself blocking feelings of joy. Because sometimes I still find myself afraid of being happy. Because I'm scared of loosing this.

So, the moral of the post. Can you pray for me? I still have a hard time feeling emotions that I want to feel. I've been praying that God will help me feel these things again. Allow me to truly feel happy, and not be so hardened. I want to feel joy. I want to feel sadness. I want to feel everything, good and bad.

God is SO good.

So. So good.

I cannot wait to see everything he has in store for me and for jim.