Blogging

I am once again, a bad bad blogger. I keep meaning to sit down, and write, but I just haven't.

Part of me is scared to put what is going on in my mind and heart online, and part of me is just in this time of reflection, and waiting to see what God has on hold for the future.

I've been out of work since September 30th, its been almost 5 months. I had surgery at the end of November to see if they could figure out what the problem is with my hand. They found scar tissue on my radial nerve, and a lot of swelling. Since surgery my hand hasn't gotten any better. I do have days where it doesn't hurt as bad as others, but it always hurts. Its really frustrating and hard to know that I may never be pain free. I've had the tendinitis in my wrist for 10 years, but it has only gotten worse over the past four years, where I've had 3 surgeries.

I've struggled with my employer to get temporary disability. about 4 weeks ago I finally got a check, but the check was only for the first 5 weeks. I've submitted the paperwork they needed, but still haven't received another check. I've also filed paperwork with permanent disability. Since everything I do hurts my arm, I need an alternative to having to work in order to have some kind of income.

I hope this afternoon or tomorrow to get some more posts up about the fun things I've been doing.

Planning amanda's wedding has been a blast, she's getting married the day before Jims and my one year anniversary. I couldn't be happier for her and Steve if I tried. They're a wonderful couple. Its great to see Amanda SO happy.

Hanging out with some new friends. I made some great new friends from the musical, and we have been spending a lot of time together. They're a great group. and I'm so lucky to have them in my life now, I can't wait to get to know them better!

Some things...

Well, here I am, not blogging again.

There's so much inside my head and my heart that I don't really even know where to begin, or what to tell you guys. I guess that's my excuse for not blogging. I've always been VERY open about my emotions. But right now, I'm realizing that being so open isn't always a good thing.


I guess the biggest thing being that I HATE Not working. I didn't mind it at first, I kept myself busy, and then I got into a lull where I was sitting home alone everyday, thinking about all the things that have changed since my cortizone shot September 30th. Thinking about our ever dwindling emergency fund, and about all the things we've had to give up. Instead, I should be extraordinarily grateful that we even had an emergency fund, I'm willing to bet most people our age don't have one. Things aren't *that* bad, they could be worse, our bills are paid, and we have a wonderful home. But I hate change, with a passion. I really miss date nights with my husband, walking arm in arm through the mall, going to furniture stores and talking about how we want to decorate our home. Those things are just too depressing knowing we can't afford it, and won't be able to for a while.

I've got a lot of really incredible friends and family members who have taken me out to multiple lunches since I've been off of work, and for that I am forever grateful. Its helped me SO much to get out of the house and spend time with you guys, and not sit at home by myself. I don't do well alone, I'm far too social for alone.

There are so many other things, extraordinarily personal things that I don't really feel comfortable sharing here. Things that have happened in our lives that have brought us so much heartache, and a lot of tears as of late.

But we're trucking through. And we've grown so much closer over the last 13 weeks. I know we can make it through anything, because we have each other and God.

Please, just pray for us, for strength, understanding and peace.

<3

Challenges

I keep hearing, and seeing verses about patience. I have always paraphrased a famous quote about patience. "Patience is a virtue I do not have, and do not want." Except, now that is something God is challenging me on. Being patient with something that is so incredibly important to me, one that If I don't listen to him on, could be the worst mistake of my life, and trusting him in that is hard. He's been incredibly faithful thus far in my life. I know he will continue to be faithful, I just need to learn some patience. His timing is incredible. I know that. But its the waiting part that is the hardest. I am learning to be patient, and teaching myself to be more humble.

Please be patient. God isn't finished with me yet.

Last night while I was reading my bible, I found this passage, totally not what I was looking for, but one that has been on my mind all day.

Romans 12:9-21

9 Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. 10 Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves. 11 Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. 12 Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. 13 Share with God's people who are in need. Practice hospitality. 14 Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. 15 Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. 16 Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited.17 Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. 18 If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. 19 Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: "It is mine to avenge; I will repay,"says the Lord. 20 On the contrary: "If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head." 21 Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

I have never been one to read my bible. I always had a hard time understanding it, and putting it into practice in my life. Since coming back to God after my brief(but far too long) break from him, I have realized how much is in the bible that I can put into practice in my own life. I've come to know so many stories, and understood God in a way I never knew I could.

Its amazing how he reveals himself to you. Now to learn the hardest lesson I've ever been taught, patience.