well now

I spent the weekend riding real roller coasters, perhaps for preparation for the emotional one I'd spend today on?

A good friend of mine's boyfriend almost broke up with her tonight. It really sucks. I never thought they'd come to that.

Another good friend of mine almost broke up with her "boyfriend" today, and no one likes to see their friends in pain. Especially when they haven't done anything to deserve that pain.

Work is just stressful without my fav POC there, always is. Its so hard to get my point across and talk about anything without getting misunderstood.

And then, there's all the junk inside my head. Every time I'm around my mother, she gets to me. I don't want her to get to me. I don't want to fight my consciousness every time I see her to not fall back into my old ways. I don't want to be the person she raised me to be.

I want to be a woman God can be proud of, one that my husband can be proud of, the person my family deserves, my friends need. I don't want to be the one that falls into the trap of what is easy. Its not easy to fight whats natural day after day, and sometimes I just want to give up, and I let myself slip a little bit before I catch myself and realize what I'm doing.

And then, I start fixing myself again.

I hate always fixing myself again. I hate that I have to constantly fight with the child inside of me. I hate that I still blame her for the past. I don't want to place blame on anyone but myself. I want to grow, I want to learn, I want to be challenged.

I just don't want it to hurt so much while I do all of those things.

I long so much to someday hear God's voice saying "Good and faithful servant, well done."

So how do I get there, how do I keep reaching when everything I was ever taught is pulling me in the other direction?